Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Babes of Yore!

We now return you to your regularly scheduled frivolity…

I thought I’d waste some space making a list. Namely on a topic near and dear to my heart (and pants); GIRLS. You can’t swing a dead hooker without hitting a website with a list of today’s hottest. I thought I’d mix it up a little and choose some ladies from the dawn of my sexual existence. Late 70’s up until the late 80’s, let’s say. That marks the period of time I discovered that women were nice ‘till I actually got laid. The getting laid is important because that’s when I (and I’m assuming most fellas) stop (or at least slow it up a bit) fantasizing about famous movie chicks and focused our efforts of the real (i.e. attainable) thing.

10. Olivia Newton John. Screw Grease. I first noticed the blonde Aussie in the cinematic masterpiece XANADU. She was sweet, mysterious, adorable, and was constantly on roller skates. What more could a man ask for? She was also a muse and had 11 hot roller-skating sisters. During the movie, she emanated some weirdo 70’s light around her body when she skated, was animated by Don Bluth, and appeared in thigh-high cowboy boots whilst twirling a lasso.

9. Linda Fiorentino. Dear Jesus in heaven. 1985 was merciless to my glands; three movies with this minx. VISION QUEST, AFTER HOURS, and GOTCHA. It was the latter that really sealed the deal as not only was she playing a hot European giving sex ed. lessons to a young Anthony Edwards, she was also a fucking spy. Literally!

8. P.J. Soles. ROCK 'N' ROLL HIGH SCHOOL, HALLOWEEN, and STRIPES. All were very formative films. All featuring the lovely Pamela Jayne in various stages of undress. It wasn’t just that, though. She had (and still does) one of the most captivating smiles. She has that curling kitty-cat lip thing that I find disarming. I also thought that Riff Randell was one of the coolest chicks of all time.

7. Ornella Muti. Now for a little foreign flavor on the list now. I clearly remember seeing FLASH GORDON at age 6 and ignoring most of what was going on when Princess Aura was onscreen. Oh man…a total scorcher AND she had her own pet midget on a leash. No! Not the Bore Worms, indeed.

6. Phoebe Cates. Quite possibly the first breasts I ever saw. They are permanently burned into my cerebral cortex, too. Perfection. She also could work wonders with a carrot. Another bit of wisdom imparted to me via FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH and the lovely Ms. Cates…ALWAYS LOCK THE BATHROOM DOOR.

5. Michelle Meyrink. The obligatory geek girl. The pinnacle performance was in REAL GENIUS as the cutie Jordan. Her characters subplot in VALLEY GIRL is also worth a mention.

4. Geena Davis. This lady set pants afire back in the day. Beautiful and statuesque. She has these great eyes that simply cannot restrain her intelligence (she’s in MENSA). She was truly heartbreaking in THE FLY (she also gave birth to a huge maggot but we shant linger on that) and truly topless in TOOTSIE. Let’s not forget her great costume in TRANSYLVANIA 6-5000.

3. Karen Allen. Marion Ravenwood pretty much set the bar for what I thought the ideal woman should be at age 7. Cute, adventurous, good with monkeys and Tibetan drunks, and looks amazing in formal wear. I adore how wily she is and love her smoky voice. Also terribly cute in Animal House and Scrooged.

2. Carrie Fisher. This one is all too easy. Whoever wrote this piece of ass into a gold bikini chained to an intergalactic slug gangster deserves eternal riches. Forget Princess Leia...Fisher herself is/was a cool chick. Also, the fact that she did coke with Belushi will endear her to me FOREVER.

1. Sigourney Weaver. I really sweated over this one. I knew that Ripley and Princess Leia were my top two. It came down to who still makes an impression on me as an adult. Easily it’s Sigourney. It’s not just that she’s this incredible beauty. Well outside of her Hollywood prime, she carries herself with a grace and confidence that is truly amazing. She is pushing 60 years old and still has “it”. “It” being that near-indefinable quality that radiates from within as the easy beauty of youth wanes. I also believe as far as cinema is concerned Sigourney has done more for feminism than anyone. Not only is Ripley a role that resonates with women, but also I think it shakes guys out of their archaic notions of stereotypical gender roles.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Esoteria Recap

Thanks to my much-needed vacation, I was able to catch up on some of the media junkpiles adorning my living spaces.

The Sopranos: Season 5

Incredible. I'm shocked by the places this show does not fear to go. David Chase and his underscribes deserve every accolade they get. I love how this show takes its time to build to catastrophe. Tony Soprano deserves to sit with Archie Bunker and Homer Simpson as one of the greatest characters of television history.

Deadwood: Season 1

This and The Sopranos justifies the expense of cable. This may trump Lonesome Dove as some of the greatest western writing to grace any medium. Far more historically accurate, (even down to the off-handed use of witicisms like "cunt" and "cocksucker") and more taken with character than shoot-em ups. Ian McShane deserves the lionshare of praise for his Al Swearengen, the defacto "Don" of Deadwood. But I'm also taken with Tim Olyphant as the square-dealing lawman turned entrepreneur Seth Bullock. A masterstroke of casting rounds out the ensemble with Powers Boothe, Keith Carradine (as Wild Bill Hickock, no less), Brad Douriff, and William Sanderson.

Firefly: The Complete Series

I wanted to revisit this before Serenity hits. I love this show. The characters and dialogue are so good that I forget that I'm watching a TV sci-fi show.


Great b-movie ride. Bruce gets to play his one character that he does really well. The ordinary joe in the extraordinary circumstances. Lots of shots of him looking perplexed and furrowing that massive brow. What the story lacks the competence of direction more than makes up for. This is one GREAT looking film...from the opening credits to the end sting. Ben Foster makes an impression as the psycho snotnosed kid, Mars. Kid has crazy down pat.


I've seen this movie twice. Once theatrically and once on DVD. It is no less confounding. The science the movie weaves it's narrative out of is damn impenetrable to a lunkhead like me. But I think that is the movies charm. I love how mercurial the plot is. The characters never talk down to the audience, never does the film tilt it's hand to the crowd. Truly mind-boggling. It was also filmed by local folk in and around my sprawling, soulless metropolis.

Point Blank

Remade(i.e. ripped-off) a dozen times (most recently with Mad Max as Mad...Porter), Point Blank is a classic noir. Lee Marvin and his gloriously chisled jowls chase down the mooks who stiffed him on a job. All Walker wants is his $93,000 that he took a set of matching bullets and lost a woman over. I dig how confident this movie is. Not an ounce of sympathy or labored exposition.

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Long Time, No Self-Indulgent Prattle!

I'll post harder this week as I'm on vacation.

Quick takes to be followed by complete reviews:

Batman Begins: B+

War of the Worlds: A-

Land of the Dead: A

Fantastic Four: B-